


fall back into place

by venchar



Category: Paper Girls (Comics)
Genre: F/F, Growing Up Together, Modern Setting, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 13:23:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21458743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venchar/pseuds/venchar
Summary: When KJ is seven years old, she meets Mac.When KJ is eleven years old, she falls in love with Mac.When KJ is sixteen years old, she meets Mac again.
Relationships: Erin Tieng/Tiffany Quilkin, MacKenzie Coyle/KJ
Comments: 11
Kudos: 38





	fall back into place

**Author's Note:**

> some quick stuff:  
\- this fic is divided into three parts. parts one and two are the shortest while part three is long as hell.  
\- the rating is exclusively for part three — i won’t spoil anything but it is not anything super explicit so don’t worry!   
\- uh. i barely proofread this part before posting so i will fix errors as i see them 
> 
> anyway enjoyyy

September 2009

KJ’s not sure why she’s so nervous. Yeah, it’s a new school, but the teacher of her second-grade class seems nice enough and none of the other kids seem  _ that  _ bad, but all of her peers already seem to have their friend group -- and none of these groups seem like they’d want to talk to a girl like her. 

None of the boys would want to talk to a  _ girl _ , even if she liked the same things as they did. It didn’t matter to them that she played sports or liked to play video games - she was excluded immediately because of her gender. 

The girls wouldn’t want to talk to her either, KJ guessed. They all seem so… perfect, with their blonde ponytails and nice clothes. They wouldn’t want to be around a girl who likes to wear boy’s clothes and doesn’t have any interest in “girly” things.

There is, however, one girl who looks like she’s just as much an outsider as KJ is.

Her hair is red, bright red. KJ can’t look away. She’s never seen someone with hair that looks that much like fire. The girl’s chewing on her pencil and has colorful bandages on her skinny legs, wearing a Pokemon shirt with a rip in the sleeve. 

She can’t stop looking at her during class, her heart fluttering when the girl’s asked to introduce herself to the class. Her name is Mackenzie, she’s seven years old, her favorite color is green, and KJ knows that she wants to be this girl’s friend. 

When the class’s lunch break begins, KJ walks over to Mackenzie and places her lunchbox right next to her.

Mackenzie looks up, an eyebrow raised as she takes a bite of her sandwich. and 

“Hi,” KJ greets her as she sits down at the cafeteria table.

“Hey,” Mackenzie responds, swallowing her food. 

“I’m KJ. It’s short for Karina.”

“I’m Mac. It’s short for Mackenzie.”

KJ smiles wide. She’s really quickly learned that she loves the sound of Mac’s voice. 

“Are you new to the school?” Mac asks, turning to face KJ.

“Yeah.”

Mac grins, revealing a missing front tooth. “Me too.”

October 2009

KJ has decided that she likes Mac. A lot. 

She can’t help but feel lucky that of all the people she could be put in a class with, she got to be with Mac. Who knows what would’ve happened if they weren’t — maybe they’d both be alone, because there really isn’t anyone who gets them like they do. 

Mac’s  _ so  _ different from the other girls in their class, and that’s one of the reasons KJ likes her so much - she doesn’t care about pink or princesses or boys. They play together at recess and walk home from school together every day, and sometimes Mac stays over with KJ at her house. KJ’s never been to Mac’s house before, though. She asked why one day when they were walking home together, and Mac shrugged. “My house is ugly.” 

“Oh.”

“And... my dad doesn’t like me to have people over,” Mac adds, her hands in her coat pockets.

“Why not?” KJ asks, genuinely curious.

“I dunno.”

They didn’t talk about it after that. KJ’s not going to pester her as to  _ why _ anymore, because her mom said it’s annoying to ask “ _ why”  _ after every question. And it’s fine that she doesn’t go over to Mac’s house, because Mac can always come to hers. 

And Mac  _ really _ loves KJ’s house. It gets to a point where Mac is spending more time at KJ’s house than her own. She says it’s a lot bigger and fancier, and she gets along well with KJ’s parents (which is probably because they’re so willing to take the girls to the pizza place down the street — Mac says her parents don’t ever go out to eat, which KJ thinks is insane). 

Plus, KJ has a  _ trampoline,  _ which inherently makes any place cooler.

They spend almost every day in her backyard, jumping on her trampoline and talking about whatever (usually Pokémon and cartoons), or playing in the piles of leaves that come with the autumn months. 

“KJ,” Mac calls to her from the trampoline as KJ sits on the tire swing hanging from the tree in her backyard. “Did I tell you I can do a backflip?”

KJ’s eyes widen. “You gotta show me.”

Mac grins, and jumps on the trampoline and flips backwards — only to fall off and directly onto the ground.

“Ow!” Mac nearly screams as she hits the grass, pulling her legs up to her chest in pain. 

KJ’s heart drops in fear that she just hurt her best friend. She jumps down next to Mac, who’s clutching her hurt arm. 

“Mac, oh my gosh, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Mac wheezes out. “I hit my arm on the ground, and I think it scraped against a rock or something.”

“Are you bleeding?” KJ asks, knowing she probably sounds frantic. 

Mac lifts her hand from the spot on her arm, and — she’s  _ really  _ bleeding. It’s like when KJ fell off her bike onto the pavement, but fifty times worse. “I’m fine,” she says, reassuring KJ — the look on her face must have shown her fear.

“No, you’re not,” KJ says, helping Mac to her feet. “We have a first aid kit inside, and I can call my mom if it’s really bad. Can you walk?”

Mac doesn’t respond. She slumps against KJ, wrapping her arm around her shoulders. “Yeah, I just — need help getting there,” she breathes.

“I’ve got you,” KJ tells her. Mac’s heavy, but KJ’s always been strong. She’s able to help her inside to the kitchen with ease.

Mac sits down on one of the dining table chairs, clutching her bleeding arm. She isn’t one to cry, but there’s tears welling up in her eyes. 

The cabinet containing the medical supplies is too far up to reach, so KJ grabs another chair and pulls it over to stand on. She pulls down the box containing all the bandaids and medicine and stuff, jumping down off the chair to join Mac. 

“Hold out your arm,” KJ says, and Mac does, lifting her hand off the wound to reveal a bloody mess on both her hand and her arm.

KJ winces at the sight of her best friend in pain, but she grabs the bandages regardless, getting closer to Mac and carefully wrapping her arm in the cloth. 

Mac shivers at the sudden pressure, and to comfort her, KJ reaches out and takes Mac’s hand in hers as soon as she finished bandaging her up.

“I think that’ll be good for now,” KJ says, looking down at her friend’s arm. 

“You sure?” Mac asks as a tear wells up in her eye (she’s trying to push it back in, though. Mac never cries).

“I think so,” KJ tells her. She’s still holding Mac’s hand, and she really doesn’t want to let go. “We can check with my mom when she gets home, and that’ll be soon, I think.” KJ glances over to the clock. It’s 5:20, and her mom gets home at 5:30. They shouldn’t have to wait long.

In the meantime, KJ stays with Mac in the kitchen, sitting on top of the dining table and trying to make her smile. She tells Mac jokes and funny stories, and when Mac does grin, KJ swells with pride.

She likes looking over Mac. She’s always wanted to be a big sister, and in a way, she’s that to Mac. Even though Mac’s only five months younger than her. And KJ doesn’t really want to be Mac’s sister, because that’d be weird. 

But being Mac’s protector, like, her knight — that sounds cool. KJ’s always wanted to be the knight in a fairy tale. The one who saves the day, who carries a sword, who gets to marry the princess. Would Mac be her princess, though? She’s too tomboyish for the frilly dresses and singing, but —

KJ’s thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening and her mother walking in. “Hey, you two,“ she starts to say, but when she sees the bandages wrapped around Mac’s arm, she immediately puts down her purse and makes her way over to Mac. “Sweetie, what happened? Are you okay?”

“She fell off the trampoline and hurt her arm real bad,” KJ explains for Mac, who nods. 

“Oh, god. How much does it hurt? Do you need me to call your dad?”

“ _ No,”  _ Mac says sternly, her eyes widening. “Please don’t call him.”

KJ’s never heard Mac sound that freaked out. Why would she be scared of talking to her dad? If KJ was in her position, the first thing she’d want to do is talk to her mom.

“Why don’t you want me to?” KJ’s mom asks worriedly, sitting down next to Mac and putting a hand around her shoulder. 

“Cause he’ll get mad,” Mac explains shakily. “He won’t let me come over anymore.”

“I doubt that’ll happen, love. He’ll understand, and it’d be irresponsible for me to  _ not  _ tell him that his daughter got hurt…” 

Mac doesn’t put in any more effort to hide her tears. She’s  _ really  _ crying. 

“Is that okay?” KJ’s mom asks, lifting an eyebrow and giving Mac’s shoulder a little squeeze.

Mac nods slowly.

KJ watches as her mom smiles and walks towards her phone, dialing Mac’s father’s number.

She feels like she could cry, too. It’s painful to watch your best friend break down like that, especially when it’s Mac — someone who  _ never  _ cries. 

Why did she get so freaked out at the mention of her dad? Wouldn’t the mention of her parent make her feel safe? Should she ask?

“Mac?” KJ asks, quietly. “Why didn’t you want my mom to call your dad?”

Mac wipes her eyes and leans on KJ, resting her head on her shoulder and looking up at her ever so slightly. “Because…” she stalls for a moment. “He’s mean to me, sometimes.”

“Why would he be mean to you?”

“He’s not really mean to  _ me _ , he just yells a lot. But — he’s really mean to my brother.”

KJ can’t help but be a little bit stunned. What kind of parent is mean to their own kid? The worst KJ’s mom has ever done to her is yell at her for trying to climb onto the roof of their old house (which was understandable, because she could’ve fallen and killed herself). But to be  _ mean?  _ Aren’t parents supposed to be protect and keep their kids safe? 

“He hits my brother, sometimes. Like, when my brother’s been out too late, or when he doesn’t do the things he ask.”

“Does he ever hit you?”

“He did once.”

“That’s  _ not  _ okay,” KJ asserts. “You should tell someone. Like, an adult, or a teacher —“

Mac shakes her head. “Then he’ll get even madder at me.” 

“What about — what about your brother? Can he do anything?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

KJ doesn’t know what to say for a moment, but then an idea comes to her.

“You know,” she starts as Mac looks up at her with red eyes, “as soon as we’re old enough, we’re going to move in together, and no one will ever hurt us.”

Mac smiles a bit at the thought. “That’d be awesome.”

“I’m serious! We could, like, have a giant house and adopt a ton of cats, and it’d be great,” KJ tells her. 

“I’ve always wanted to have a movie theatre in my house,” Mac smiles, a faint sparkle in her eye.

“It’ll be the best,” KJ grins. “As soon as we’re old enough, okay? It’ll be just us.”

“And our cats,” Mac adds.

“And our cats,” KJ repeats. “And you won’t have to worry about your dad, and those bullies at school — they’ll never hurt us. I’ll protect you.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise.” 

  
  


March 2010

KJ feels someone tapping at her back. She turns around as discreetly as possible, only to see Mac’s pale hand giving her a note. She grabs it as quick as possible, and unfolds it under her desk.

_ wanna eat our lunch outside? _

KJ turns back around, smiles, and nods. Mac smiles back.

“We’re gonna get in trouble,” KJ whispers to Mac as they quietly ditch the rest of their classmates heading to the cafeteria, instead making their way towards the playground.

“It’ll be fun,” Mac insists. “Besides, we have our lunch, and we only hang out with each other. We’re fine.”

“You’re right,” KJ shrugs.

“I always am.”

KJ elbows Mac in the side, making her laugh. “Not when it comes to math, dummy! I literally do all your work for you!”

“Shh!” Mac shushes her, putting a finger to her lips and giggling. 

They make it to the playground, quickly making their way to a place under the slide that’s perfect for hiding -- no one can see inside it unless they’re really looking, making it the best spot for KJ and Mac to be.

“We should do this every day,” Mac says as she unzips her lunchbox, her back pressed against the wall that’s acting as their shield from any prying eyes. “I hate the cafeteria.”

“Why?”

“I dunno,” Mac says as she opens her bag of pretzels. “It’s too crowded, I guess. Do you want a pretzel?”

KJ smiles and nods her head, opening up her mouth for Mac to feed her one. 

Last week, a kid in their class told them it’s weird for them to feed each other like that, and Mac had stopped doing it — at least, around others. Now they’re in private. No one can make fun of them here. 

Their classmates also told them it’s weird for them to hold hands. KJ didn’t understand that — What’s so wrong about being close to your best friend? — but it was apparently enough to make Mac stop. 

KJ secretly hopes that Mac will hold her hand again now that they’re alone. There’s something so comforting and warm about holding Mac’s hand — it’s not the same as when anyone else holds her hand. Maybe it’s because Mac is her best friend, and her relationship with Mac is so different than the one she has with her parents or her other family members. 

Sometimes, KJ thinks that maybe her and Mac should have more friends other than each other, but at the same time — what’s the point? Mac is, like, the best friend anyone could ask for. She  _ gets  _ KJ in a way that no one else does. She didn’t make fun of her when she opened up about her fear of water ever since seeing her cousin drown, and KJ doesn’t mock Mac about how her mom isn’t in her life like some of the other kids do. 

If anything, Mac’s just as weird and different as KJ is. They both have their issues and they’re both a bit weird in the fact that they’re girls who like  _ boy  _ things, but that’s okay. As long as they have each other, it’s okay. 

  
  


March 2011

KJ learned very quickly in her life that not everyone would be nice to her. 

She knew, to some degree, that not everyone liked Jewish people, and someone might be rude to her because she was Jewish. She also knew that some really bad things happened to innocent Jewish people in the past because of other’s hatred. She knows that those bad things are why Bubs doesn’t like to leave the house sometimes because she’s so scared. KJ’s mom said that she’s  _ traumatized,  _ and she’ll tell KJ more about it when she’s older, despite her constantly asking to know more.

Her mom told her about the people that thrive off of hate, that seem to live to make others miserable. KJ doesn’t understand it. How could you hate someone you don’t know, she thinks? How could you judge someone based off of how they look or what they believe in? (And how could anyone hate Bubs? She gives KJ the best hugs and makes great cookies. Mac doesn’t really like them, though, but KJ thinks they’re the best.) 

KJ also learns very quickly that her uncle is one of those hateful people, too. Not against Jewish people, but others. 

Apparently, gay marriage just got legalized in Maryland, and people aren’t happy about it — especially him, who lives there.

He’s come to visit for mom’s birthday, but he’s spending more time complaining about who knows what more than he is actually spending time with his family. 

Sitting in the living room and watching TV, KJ can hear him and her parents arguing about it from the kitchen. 

“It’s just  _ wrong _ , Theresa! Next thing you know, a man can marry a dog.”

“That’s not the same thing, Ben, you know that—“

“How? How is it different?”

“Because an adult human can consent! _ ” _

“Doesn’t make it any less  _ disgusting _ .”

She doesn’t want to listen to them fight, even if she really doesn’t know what they’re fighting about. Her mom  _ never  _ yells, but she seems really mad. KJ turns up the volume on the TV, trying to block out the sound. 

“Mom?” KJ asks, poking her pancake with her fork.

“Hm?” Her mom replies, taking a sip of her coffee.

“What does gay mean?”

KJ’s mom is clearly taken aback, almost choking on her coffee. “Where did that come from?”

KJ shrugs, resting her cheek on her hand. “I heard you and Uncle Ben talking about it last night.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you had to hear that argument. Your uncle… he isn’t the most loving man.”

“I don’t like it when he yells at you.”

“Me neither,” her mom sighs, looking down. 

“But — can you tell me what it means?”

“Oh, oh. Right.” Setting her coffee down, her mom pulls out a chair from the dining table and sits across from KJ. “Well, you see — someone who’s gay, they like the same gender romantically. So a man loves a man, or a woman loves a woman. Women who love women — they’re called lesbians.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Does that make sense to you, KJ?”

KJ nods. “So, can I marry another girl?”

“Well, um —“ KJ’s mom stammers, obviously surprised, “no, not in Ohio. Some people don’t think it’s okay to be gay, and they don’t let them get married. In other states, though, you can.”

“Why don’t they think it’s okay?” KJ asks, taking a bite of her pancakes. 

Her mom sighs. “Some people aren’t very loving, KJ. There’s a lot of mean people in the world.” 

“Do you think it’s okay?”

“Yes. I do.”

KJ smiles to herself. 

Spring break is always advertised as going to the beach or pool or going on vacation, but of course the earth has other plans. 

The sky is dark and covered in clouds. The air is humid and dragonflies buzz close to the ground, signifying the coming weather. 

“It’s not supposed to rain today, right?” Mac asks as she looks up at the overcast sky above the neighborhood park.

“I don’t think so,” KJ says back, sliding off of the top of the platform they’re on, “but it looks like it will.”

As if on cue, thunder cracks above them, causing Mac to jump. “Crap.”

“Come on,” KJ says, extending her hand to Mac and helping her down. She’s still not sure why she feels her heart speed up a bit when she holds Mac’s hand, even if it’s only for a moment.

“Ugh. I wanted to go to the pool today,” Mac groans.

“There’s always tomorrow,” KJ reminds her, but she’s not that upset. She’d rather go home and stay inside with Mac anyway.

“Probably gonna rain tomorrow, too.”

“You’re so pessimistic,” KJ laughs as they start walking towards the sidewalk.

Mac raises her eyebrow. “I’m so  _ what _ ?”

“Pessimistic,” KJ clarifies. “It means you’re always negative.” Despite what she’s saying, she’s not saying it in a mean way. She’s just teasing Mac in the same way Mac teases her.

“Ok, smarty pants,” Mac grins back. “Sorry we can’t all have huge brains like you do.”

“Mrs. Wilson mentioned it in class the other day. But you probably weren’t listening.”

“Of course I wasn’t listening,” Mac smirks. “I think I was playing on my DS under the desk.”

“You’re brave.”

“No, you’re just a coward.”

“No, I’m just afraid she’ll take mine away,” KJ says back. “I look after myself.”

Mac shoves KJ playfully right before another huge crack of thunder booms from above them.

KJ tilts her head towards the sky, only for a big raindrop to splash directly in her face, which is followed by more and more falling down from the sky.

“Shit,” Mac says, and before KJ can react to her best friend cursing, there’s another loud boom of thunder paired with lightning splitting the sky.

KJ pulls her jacket from around her waist and flings it over her and Mac’s heads. “Come on, we gotta run!”

They both run as fast as they can, trying to keep at the same speed as each other. It’s hard, because KJ is faster than Mac, and while her instinct tells her to sprint as fast as she can, she won’t leave Mac behind. 

They eventually make it to KJ’s house, both drenched in rain despite their best efforts. Their clothes are sticking to their skin as they walk through the mud on the driveway. 

Mac’s panting from running so fast. KJ helps her up the stairs leading to her front door, holding onto her arm.

“We made it,” KJ says celebratory as she unlocks the front door. “And we didn’t get pneumonia! I mean, probably not.”

“I sure hope not,” Mac says, looking out the window. “Jesus, it’s really raining out there.”

“I gotta get a change of clothes, or I’m gonna get the whole carpet wet,” KJ says, starting to walk up the stairs.

“Uh, I need one too,” Mac adds, following up behind her and into her room.

“Do you want pajamas or like, real clothes?”

“Pajamas. I don’t think your clothes are gonna fit on me,” Mac says. “I mean, you’re like, 10 inches taller than me.”

“That’s an exaggeration,” KJ says, rolling her eyes and tossing a change of clothes to Mac. “More like… six inches?”

“I get it. I’m short.”

“You are. Now go change. You’re getting my floor wet.” 

Mac sticks her tongue out before retreating to the bathroom. 

KJ quickly discards her clothes and puts new ones on, putting the wet ones in the laundry basket. 

She plops down on her bed and turns on the TV, flipping through the channels and trying to find something good to watch until Mac emerges back from the bathroom, wearing KJ’s black polka dot pajamas. Her hair is pulled up into a mini bun, too. 

There’s something about Mac wearing KJ’s clothes that makes her feel really weird. It’s not  _ bad  _ weird at all, just… weird. She kinda likes it.

“What do you wanna watch?” KJ asks as Mac climbs on the bed and scoots next to KJ. 

The rain is hitting the window and roof hard. KJ feels lucky that they were able to get back inside in time, because she’s not sure they could make it back home in rain like this.

“I dunno. We could watch Pokémon?”

“Good idea,” KJ replies, climbing off the foot of her bed and to the TV stand. She takes out the box set and puts the DVD into the player. “What episode?”

“Don’t care,” Mac shrugs. “I just want something to play over the rain.”

KJ makes her way back into her previous position, now with the remote in hand. Her and Mac’s legs are ever so slightly touching, and even that small amount of contact makes KJ’s heart feel funny.

“I don’t think the TV will drown out the sound. It would, like, break if I turned the volume up that high,” she says as she selects play on an episode and leans back against the million pillows on her bed.

Mac folds her arms across her chest, scratching at one arm and looking st KJ. “Do you think the power’s gonna go out?”

She shakes her head. “No, I don’t think so.”

Mac turns her attention back to the TV. “Good.”

“Why? Are you scared?” KJ teases, leaning over into Mac. 

“What? No! Of course not!” Mac exclaims, looking scandalized. 

“I have a flashlight under my bed. We’ll be fine. And we can play animal crossing or something if the power does go out.” 

Before Mac can open her mouth, a giant thundercloud cracks above them, causing her to jump a bit. KJ, on the other hand, is unfazed, but lifts an eyebrow at Mac’s reaction.

“So you  _ are _ scared.”

“Am not.”

“Yes you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, maybe a little bit.”

KJ smiles in her victory. “I knew it. It’s okay, Mac! I won’t let you die.”

Mac huffs, and another loud boom of thunder comes from above them, causing a similar reaction from Mac. She scoots a bit closer to KJ.

“Can you turn it up?” Mac asks.

KJ gives her a look. “Scaredy cat.”

“I just can’t hear it!”

“ _ Oh _ ,  _ I just can’t hear it,”  _ KJ repeats mockingly, but turns up the volume anyway. However, it’s all in vain, as just as KJ cranks up the volume, the power shuts off.

“Dang it,” KJ groans, the room now pitch black. The only light is from her window, but with how dark it is outside, it barely acts as a light.

Mac reaches out to touch KJ’s arm. “I can’t see anything.”

“It’s okay, I’ve got a flashlight under my bed,”

KJ says as she gets off her bed and onto the ground, peering under the bed — but it’s impossible to see anything. she moves her hand around a bit, but can’t feel anything except for the carpet and some shoeboxes stashed under her bed.

“What about that lantern in your closet?” Mac asks, looking down at her.

KJ jolts up. “You’re a genius.”

Sure enough, she does have a lantern right above her clothes. It’s from when her family went camping last summer (Mac was desperate to come with them, but her dad wouldn’t let her. KJ promised her, though, that they’d go camping together someday).

She turns it on and places it next to her bed. It’s faint yellow glow isn’t that much of a light source, but it’s better than nothing.

KJ climbs back into the bed next to Mac, but she stays on top of the covers while Mac is still underneath. 

“Are you, like… really actually scared?” KJ asks nervously. 

Mac doesn’t look at her. 

“‘Cause, I don’t care. I’m not going to judge you or anything,” she explains. “You don’t care about my ‘ _ silly’  _ fears, so I won’t judge you for yours.”

Mac still won’t look at her. Instead, she wordlessly moves closer to KJ.

“I just really don’t like loud noises,” She admits, her head touching KJ’s shoulder. 

KJ nods, and crawls under the covers next to Mac, turning towards her. Their noses are nearly touching, and if KJ were to scoot a little bit closer, they’d be kissing, and the weird part of KJ wants to do just that — but she can’t, because Mac’s a girl, and girls don’t kiss girls. Except, some do, and that’s fine, but KJ isn’t one of those girls.

“Well, I’m here to keep you safe,” KJ grins.

Mac smiles back, kicking KJ’s leg under the covers. “Shut up.”

“I’ll protect you from the big bad scary noises —“

“I’ll throw you off the bed, Kaje,” Mac says, but she’s laughing, and KJ is too. 

They end up taking a nap together like that, with Mac’s head pressed into the crook of KJ’s neck and one of KJ’s arms around her. 

KJ silently wishes that they could stay like this forever. 

December 2011

Today is one of those days that KJ wishes her mom would drive her home. It’s freezing outside — the sky is overcast, flecks of snow are falling down from the clouds, and the sidewalk is icy, making it hard for her and Mac to walk. 

They’re both wrapped in multiple layers but are still shivering. KJ wishes she could hold Mac’s hand to keep warm, but… she’s not supposed to do that. She can just keep her hands in her pockets to keep them warm, anyway. It’s fine.

“Abby’s a bitch,” Mac mutters, breaking the comfortable silence between them.

KJ’s not surprised at Mac’s use of bad words anymore. It used to be shocking to her to hear her best friend say  _ fuck _ , but now it’s pretty commonplace. (She’s actually been using them a lot as well, too. Her and Mac tend to pick up each other's language.) 

“What did she do this time?” KJ asks, looking over to her. There are specks of snow sticking to her beanie. 

“She was just being a bitch to me during math today,” Mac mumbles. “Told me I look like I’m homeless. Like, what the crap does that even mean? I get it, I don’t have the best clothes or hair or  _ whatever _ , but — she doesn’t need to bring that up.”

“She thinks she’s better than everyone,” KJ adds in, nodding. “Because she’s rich and pretty and gets good grades. None of that even matters when she’s such an awful person.”

“You’re rich, too,” Mac retorts.

KJ scoffs. “Yeah, no. I wish.”

“Compared to me, at least.”

KJ can’t help but pick up on the sadness in Mac’s voice, and it stings — she wants to comfort her, but she’s not sure how. She stays quiet.

“Do you wanna come over tonight?” KJ asks, trying to change the subject. She’s flooded with relief when she sees Mac’s face light up a bit.

“Yeah, yeah. Definitely.”

“Ok, cool. My mom’s gonna order takeout, I think, and we can watch Youtube or something.”

Mac nods. “Yeah. That’s a million times better than going home.”

They’re quick to get inside as soon as they walk up to KJ’s house. shutting the door the the cold outside behind them. “Mom, we’re home!”

“Oh!” KJ’s mom pokes her head out. “Hey, girls. You two got home okay?”

“Hey,” KJ greets her, putting her backpack on the ground by their shoes. “It’s really cold out there, though.”

“Good news for you two, then — I made hot chocolate! Would you like some?”

“Like I’d ever say no to  _ that,”  _ Mac grins, jumping up on the kitchen counter. 

KJ gets up next to her, but as soon as she does, Mac scoots away a bit. It makes KJ feel… hurt, a bit. 

KJ’s mom walks up to Mac and brushes some snow out of her hair, making Mac smile. At least that’s something to make KJ feel a bit better. “God, If I had known it would be this bad outside, I would’ve come and pick you girls up,” KJ’s mom sighs.

“It’s not  _ that  _ bad,” Mac says in her defense. “And I like walking home with KJ.”

“Yeah, it gives us time to complain about stuff to each other.”

“What’s on your mind?” KJ’s mom asks, handing Mac and KJ two cups of cocoa. 

“Just… dumb kids who say dumb things to us,” Mac says, popping a marshmallow in her mouth. “But I don’t care.”

(KJ knows that that’s a lie, and that Mac really does care. KJ’s mom likely knows it as well.) 

“Kids can be the worst,” KJ’s mom solemnly agrees. “It’s good that you don’t let it get to you, though. Words can hurt.”

“ _ Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,”  _ Mac grins as she repeats the phrase, KJ holding back a laugh.

“That’s so dumb. That’s like, what you said in  _ second grade.” _

Mac looks over to her, a ring of cocoa around her top lip. “You’re dumb,” she says, giving KJ a challenging smile.

“I mean, you are the  _ height  _ of a second grader —“

“I’ll throw this cocoa on you. Don’t try me.”

“You girls are a riot,” KJ’s mom says as she stretches and makes her way out of the kitchen. “Wish I had friends like that at your age.”

While KJ comprehends what her mom said, Mac takes the opportunity to slowly pour a bit of hot cocoa on KJ’s lap.

KJ jumps up in surprise at the sensation, but just rolls her eyes when she realizes what it was. “I hate you so much, you know that?”

Mac kicks her feet as she grins. “I love you too, bitch.”

Mac later decides that she wants to stay the night, which isn’t an uncommon occurrence. They spend the night together at  _ least  _ once a week.

They’ve basically made KJ’s room into  _ their  _ room — Mac has her sleeping bag almost always at the foot of KJ’s bed, and their make-shift fort is in the corner, complete with a horde of pillows and christmas lights. 

“Kaje, can I ask you something?” Mac asks KJ when they’re in the fort, watching movies on KJ’s laptop that she got for her birthday.

“Yeah?”

“Do you like anyone?”

The question catches KJ majorly off guard. That’s… not something Mac and her ever talk about. “Like,  _ like-like?” _

Mac nods. 

“Not really,” KJ says, pulling her knees up to her chest. She really doesn’t. While other girls in her school fawn over the  _ popular  _ boys or whisper about boy band stars, KJ feels disconnected. She can’t find any attraction to the boys they talk about. 

Maybe something is…  _ wrong _ with her.

“Oh. Okay.” Mac says, monotone. KJ can’t read her expression. 

“Do you?” KJ asks, wincing. She really hopes Mac doesn’t. The idea of her holding hands with or  _ kissing  _ a boy makes KJ feel like her heart is being swallowed whole. She can’t explain why she hates that thought so much, but she  _ hates  _ it.

Mac shakes her head to KJ’s relief. “No.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Cause, like —“ Mac starts, picking at her fingernails and sighing. “Abby made fun of me for it today, because I don’t like any guys in our class, and I only hang out with you. She thinks that we’re, like…  _ lesbian.” _

KJ can feel every muscle in her body tense up. “Oh. What… what did you say back?”

“I told her that that was gross,” Mac says, crossing her legs and pulling her sleeves over her hands. 

_ Gross. _ Why does it hurt so bad to hear that? 

Mac seems to notice how uncomfortable KJ is. “I mean, what did you want me to do, Kaje? If I ignored her, she’d take that as a yes, and everyone would hate us  _ even more. _ ”

“I guess you’re right,” KJ reluctantly agrees. “But — do you really think it’s that gross?”

“I mean, that’s what my dad says,” Mac shrugs. “He says that it’s unnatural.”

KJ gets a weird feeling in her chest that she doesn’t have a name for. Not the good one, though. This one is bad. “I don’t think it is,” she says softly, picking at the scab on her wrist to try and distract herself.

Before Mac can respond, KJ tries to change the subject. “Well, are there any guys  _ you  _ like?”

Mac shakes her head. “No, all the boys at our school are really gross. I’m not a lesbo, I just have taste.”

The implication that Mac has any sort of refined taste makes KJ laugh a bit, which is helpful in ignoring the pain in her chest. “Yeah, sure.”

Mac playfully slaps KJ’s leg in retaliation, soliciting a grin from her. “If you did get a boyfriend, I’d be pissed off, though,” Mac says, holding a pillow to her chest. 

KJ raises an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I dunno. I like it when it’s just us,” she shrugs. “You know how in the movies the girls always stop being friends because of a guy? I never want that to happen to us.”

Mac’s sincerity tugs on KJ’s heartstrings a bit. “It won’t, dumbass,” she assures her. “We’re better than that.”

“I just… can’t ever see that happening to me,” Mac continues. “Like, getting a crush on a guy. But I’m not a lesbian.”

KJ wants to say  _ it’s okay if you are  _ and  _ you know I think girls are a lot cuter than guys sometimes  _ but then she realizes the implications of that second statement and decided it’s probably not the best time to bring that up. “I can’t see that ever happening to me, either,” KJ admits.

“Guess we’ll be alone forever,” Mac says, laughing. 

“Alone forever  _ together _ ,” KJ corrects. “We’ll still have each other.”

“That’s  _ so  _ cheesy,” Mac groans, and KJ just laughs and smiles, because it really is cheesy.

(When they go to bed that night, with Mac sleeping on the floor, the pain comes back to KJ’s chest. When did they stop sharing beds? When did it become accepted that they couldn’t do that anymore? Why does KJ want Mac up here with her so badly?

She falls asleep without answering any of her own questions.)

November 2012

Tiffany is the new kid in their class.

She just moved to Stony Stream, and she was in a similar situation to the one KJ and Mac were in back in second grade, in that she’s  _ different,  _ but in a really cool way. She’s good at video games and knows more about computers than their teacher even does, and on the first day she came to school in ripped black jeans and didn’t even care when she got in trouble for it. 

Mac was, at first, opposed to adding a new friend to their group. “We’ve been fine for the past three years,” she’d argue. “I don’t see why we need another girl to join us.” 

“But she’s like us,” KJ insisted. “You should just try to get to know her! You’d like her a lot! Plus, she can help us with science homework. Neither of us are good at that kinda stuff.”

Mac slumped back in her desk, crossing her arms. “Three’s a crowd, Kaje.”

“You’ve barely talked to her.” KJ sighed, knowing exactly why Mac was upset at the notion of a  _ third friend _ . “You’re my best friend, Mac, I’m not going to replace you —“

“You’re going to realize how much better she is than me.”

“I don’t get why you’re so scared I’m going to stop liking you,” KJ grumbled. “I never will stop, you know.”

“You’ll never get it.” 

KJ opened her mouth to respond, but her words were cut off by the loud ringing of the school bell signifying the beginning of class. 

Mac, despite her protests, did end up liking Tiffany. 

“God  _ damnit!”  _ Mac groans, throwing down her Wii Remote.

“I told you, Mac. I’m  _ undefeated  _ at Super Smash Bros.”

It’s become their Friday routine — they all go to Tiffany’s house after school, play video games, eat a pizza, and then go home. 

“Whatever. No. I’ll destroy you.” Mac reaches down and grabs her remote, crossing her legs on the couch. 

KJ laughs. “You gotta stop playing as Link. They suck,” she says as she selects her fighter again. She’s not winning (Tiffany really is undefeated), but she’s getting second place, which is good enough. 

“But I like playing as Link,” Mac groans, sliding off the couch and onto the floor. She rests her head right next to KJ’s knee, her hair tickling the bare skin. 

“But you don’t like losing,” Tiffany laughs.

“I can win and still play as Link.”

“I mean, your amount of losses says otherwise.”

“I’ll show you,” Mac promises, turning back to the TV and starting the match.

She has that look on her face that shows she’s determined. Her brow is furrowed and her eyes have that glint in them that says  _ I’m gonna do this.  _

It’s one of the things KJ has noticed about Mac in the three years that they’ve been best friends — like how she taps her leg when she’s nervous or how she eats french fries three at a time. 

Mac has always been at the forefront of KJ’s mind ever since they met in second grade. She stands out from anyone else she knows. She’s loud and obnoxious (but in the most charming way possible), and she can be really rude to people she doesn’t like, but she always treats KJ with a softness that no one would think Mac would be capable of. 

The things that always stood out to KJ about Mac before had to do with her personality. Now those things are shifting to be more physical.

Mac has freckles on her nose and cheeks and some on her arms. Her hair gets redder in the summer and she picks at her fingernails way too much. She’s one of the shortest girls in their class, while KJ is the tallest. She’s got a scar on her left arm from when she hurt herself on KJ’s trampoline all those years ago.

These are all such normal things, but KJ takes note of every single one. In some strange way, she finds them endearing. Maybe even attractive, but KJ always has ignored those thoughts of finding other women attractive. She assumed it was just jealousy, that she just wished she looked like them, that it was  _ normal _ and  _ everyone had those thoughts,  _ but Mac makes it harder for her to ignore them.

The reason as to why she feels this way is becoming more and more apparent, but maybe she’s not ready to confront it. Not just yet. 

She does wish the thoughts would just… go away, especially at a time like this, when she’s just trying to play video games with her two best friends, but her mind won’t be quiet. 

It’s especially annoying when these dumb thoughts cause her to lose the next round and be beaten by Mac, who jumps up in joy and smacks KJ with a pillow, causing all three of them to laugh, and makes her realize she doesn’t mind losing if it means making Mac smile like that. 

  
  


KJ’s laptop screen is the only source of light in her otherwise dark room, her fingers tapping on her thigh absently. 

The Google search page is open, KJ carefully typing into the search bar. She doesn’t want anyone to see what she’s looking up (even if she’s alone in her room and it’s 10:00 at night), and is taking extra precautions by going on incognito mode.

_ how do you know if you have a crush _

She deletes that.

_ i have a crush on my friend _

Delete.

_ i am a girl and i have a crush on a girl _

Delete.

_ am i a lesbian _

KJ hesitates for a moment before pressing  _ enter.  _

There’s a ton of results, with one of the first ones being titled  _ Lesbian Quiz.  _ She clicks it.

_ Have you ever wanted to kiss a girl? _ The quiz reads, followed by the options many times, sometimes, unsure, once or twice, and never. 

KJ can easily think back to times she’s wanted to kiss girls. Usually, that girl is Mac.

There was the one time at recess where they were sitting on the field together, their fingers touching. Even then — when she was much, much younger — she still got the electric shocks through her body when Mac touched her. She can remember how badly she wanted to press a kiss against her cheek, but was held back by the fear of making her best friend upset.

Another time was a few years back, when Mac was saying the night at KJ’s house. It was back when they would share KJ’s bed, and she remembers how close their faces were when they were asleep (or, at least, Mac was sleeping).

_ And  _ there was that time last week during gym class when KJ and Mac were the only ones in the locker room after class, and Mac had her hair pulled up into a ponytail and she looked  _ so good  _ and KJ’s never known that someone’s neck could be so attractive, but she spent the rest of the day thinking about kissing it. 

She selects the option  _ sometimes,  _ and the next question pops up.

_ Have you ever wanted to kiss a guy? _

KJ thinks for a moment. No, there hasn’t been — she even tries to imagine herself kissing a boy, but the thought just makes her uncomfortable. Meanwhile, when she thinks about kissing Mac, her stomach fills with butterflies and she feels like floating. 

She chooses  _ never.  _

_ Can you imagine yourself marrying a guy? _

She doesn’t really need to think about this one. It’s a hard no. The idea of having to spend her whole life with a man makes her feel nauseous. 

_ What about a girl?  _

There’s a photo next to this question — two women wearing wedding dresses and looking into each other’s eyes longingly. KJ can’t help but imagine that being her in Mac, except Mac would probably want to wear a suit. KJ would probably wear one, too. She’s never liked dresses. 

But the thought of marrying Mac — how beautiful she’d look on their wedding day, how wonderful it would be to call Mac her  _ wife.  _

_ Yes,  _ she selects. 

_ What would you do if an attractive girl confessed that she likes you and wants to be your girlfriend? _

There’s multiple different responses to this question:  _ I’d be grossed out, I’d be flattered but politely decline, I would be indifferent, I might agree to go out with her, I’d definitely go out with her  _

To KJ, an  _ attractive girl  _ is Mac — not just because it’s Mac, but because KJ really finds every part of her attractive. Her freckles, her smile, her soft hands, her green eyes, that goddamn hair —

Being Mac’s girlfriend would be really cool. It would probably be a lot like their friendship right now, but with some added stuff. They already trust each other and care about each other  _ so much,  _ but if they started dating, they could go out on dates and kiss and hold hands and do other stuff that couples do. It sounds like a  _ dream. _

KJ chooses  _ I would definitely say yes. _

_ What if an attractive guy said the same thing? _

What even constitutes as an attractive guy? Nothing about boys is attractive to KJ, especially in comparison to other girls. She chooses  _ I would be grossed out. _

(It’s in this moment KJ questions why she’s even taking this quiz, because the result she’s going to get is pretty obvious.) 

KJ submits the quiz, and her result pops up.

_ 90% — You’re definitely a lesbian!  _

Well.

She closes her laptop and lays her head back on her pillow, staring at the ceiling.

_ That’s why. _


End file.
